Cold, Meaningless, Calculations

My fingers seize as my thoughts yearn to cling to their last clandestine precipice. My intestines turn on themselves and fall into their own depths as I write this now. My heart battles against its barbaric cage, longing to feel freedom. My eyes should be shut, my body at peace, but that peace is unattainable when my mind is at war. Opposite states of being may never occur simultaneously. Peace, the peace I long for is the quiet. The gentle release of nothing. That weight that bears on my chest slipping from existence. The racing thoughts halting for a long breath. At these times, it’s people that I wish to turn to. Human connection and the illusion of intimacy. A pair of eyes to look into as I say this. I reminisce on the subtle movements the eyes make when you’re looking into those of someone you love. Fractional motions back and forth. I truly hope there is a time in my life for that again. That look someone gives before a kiss. The look of connection. Like a world has blossomed just for me as the dreary past of my old-world slips into the background. I want to savor that world again. That world of peace and bliss. Yet, I impose a lack of connection onto myself. I make a conscious effort to not look into their eyes. To keep myself in a prison of my own design. Everything action I take is that of a meticulous process. Something as simple as touching someone’s arm devolves to questions of irrelevant importance. How many times have I touched their arm already today? Is this an appropriate time to touch their arm? They touched my arm 20 minutes ago, should I do it now to reciprocate the level of connection they feel to me? Will that cause me to become closer to them? Countless thoughts and timelines of unpredictable events unfold in my mind in seconds. Just to decide whether to place my hand on her arm. By the time I reach a decision to take the action, the emotion of my action has dissipated. All that’s left is a calculated decision that will incur the best results. So, my life is devoid of emotion and connection. My life is cold, meaningless, calculations. 

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